What to say, what to say

if you haven't figured this out by now, I'm not a regular blog poster. It drives me nuts when I click on a blog and realize that it hasn't been updated in weeks (or months), and yet, I do the same thing. I just trust that all of you are much more blog-savvy that I and have everything set up on one of those automatic thingeys that tell you when someone has updated their blog. So you're not actually clicking on me all the time to see if I've updated or not (like I do to all my blogs).

I reached my breaking point with the whole church thing. I just haven't been going. Not a solution, I know, but I am just beyond frustrated with it. I may write the next part of it, eventually, but for now I don't even really know where to pick up with my current frustrations or how to put it in words. I did love and really appreciated everyone's comments on the last post about church - but I also have to be honest and say that it kind of made me more frustrated, because it seemed like you have things figured out and your spouse was much more flexible than mine. Ugh. Here comes the pity party.

In good news though - and you should feel really special that I'm revealing this here - which I can only do because I trust that no one I actually know has stumbled upon this blog and knows its me - but I'm pregnant! It's early still, and we haven't told anyone and won't for a few weeks. I hadn't even told anyone when we were planning on starting to try to get pregnant, so although I'm sure people are wondering if we are thinking about a second kid or not (I know my MIL is very interested in more grandchildren and has been hinting often that since J is not a baby anymore, she needs another baby around!), no one really knew for sure and so we should be able to keep it quiet until we are ready to tell, which will be after we see/hear the heartbeat around 10-12 weeks. I've had two miscarriages in the past, so I really don't get too excited yet. I'm not even feeling pregnant yet - I took a pregnancy test again last night just to check again! But we're cautiously optimistic and hope that everything continues to go good.

PS - If you are on my facebook list, please don't say anything on there about the pregnancy! That probably goes without saying, but I figured I should mention it just in case.

Do you think you could pretend to be me for a few minutes . . .

and call up my old boss and tell her "nope, sorry I can't keep coming in to your office to work because I have another job - Oh, and I only have my son in childcare 20 hours a week, and if I'm up at your office 20 hours a week, that leaves no time for me to do my REAL job without also chasing a toddler around at the same time!"

I'm really tempted to just complete my own termination paperwork (I handled all the personnel work in the position anyway), call her up, and say "I just fired myself, so I won't be in again".

I was supposed to be done with this job the end of June - but I'm not. It's like an addiction - I can't leave it, even though I really know I should.

Needless to say, it hasn't left much time for anything else, between taking care of J, working up at the old job, and then also keeping up with my real job. Blogging and any personal computer time has taken a back seat.

My other blog

I think I've mentioned on here before that I also maintain a non-anonymous family blog that consists mainly of short stories about J and lots of pictures. I had gotten really behind on updating it, so I've been spending the last few nights trying to go back two months and catch up. I hadn't posted anything on that blog since the Palm Sunday Easter Egg Hunt, so it had been a while. I'm up now to May, so only 6 more weeks to go!

One of the new things I added to this blog a few weeks ago was a sitemeter. I've been checking the sitemeter almost every day, because I wasn't really sure if any of our friends and family were looking at the blog or not (we don't have a lot of "blog-savvy" folks, so no one ever leaves a comment). As it turns out, we do have some faithful family and friends that have been checking it regularly even when I wasn't updating it! For most of the hits I was able to guess who they were, or at least it made sense that they were someone I knew based on their location.

Except for one. We apparently have a very regular blog-visitor on the family blog from Uni.versity of Te.nnesse at Me.mphis, who checks the blog almost every day and, on the days when there is a new post, spends a few minutes looking at it. I initially had no idea who this could be - I asked Husband if he knew of anyone affiliated with this University, and he did not. It was kind of bothering me, because this person was checking the blog on a more regular basis than my mother!

And then it hit me. I do know someone who is there - who actually has a fa.culty position there. And if it's the person I think it is, then I don't know what to make of them reading my family blog. Because this person was the BIGGEST mistake of my life. We dated for a very tumultuous 9 months, and I came to find out that he has some serious personal problems. The guy was crazy. And he brought out the absolute worst in me, and during the time we dated I engaged in some fairly negative behaviors (lots of cheating on this guy with random other guys, lots of drinking, lots of arguing, lots of not-so-good stuff). We finally ended up calling things off (after some very heated, public arguments) and we both moved on. We still have mutual friends, which is why I know where he is now, so it may be that he found the blog through one of them. It's possible also that he found it through just a google blog search of my name. And of course, it's possible it's not him.

But if it is, I want him off my blog. Where's the blog police when you need them?

Ugh.

I added a site meter to my blog, and it's addictive - I've gotten on at least 4 times today to check my stats. Imagine my surprise when I see my first referral from a G.oogle search - and the search phrase was "nick.name t.rout".

This wouldn't panic me except that we were talking this weekend with people about our nick.name for T.rout, and also I told one of my friends that I have an anonymous blog. I'm sure it wasn't her that was looking for it, but it still makes me nervous.

So I'm changing what I call J./T.rout on the blog (again). Hopefully this will be the last time.

His new n.ickname? Panda. This is what we called him when I was pregnant, because we didn't know if it was a boy or girl. Actually, we called him the "baby p.anda".

I don't really remember how this got started, other than it had something to do with halloween, Husband wanting me to dress up like a panda, and one of the houses we looked at when we were house-hunting having a backyard full of bamboo.

all kinds of things

There's a lot going on right now, as we're trying to head out of town tomorrow, so I'm just going to make this a random post of everything that's on my mind right now:

1. I decided that I'm switching around what I use to refer to my husband and baby because I keep slipping and find myself writing out their real names - instead of J. for the baby, I'm going to start using his actual nickname "T.rout", and for my husband, I'm also going to use his actual nickname, which is "Husband". Real original, I know. But this really is what my nickname for him is - and he refers to me as "Wife". This started when we got engaged, and we were so excited about being engaged and getting married that we referred to each other as "Fiance" all the time. So obviously when we got married, we couldn't use that nickname anymore, so it evolved into "Husband" and "Wife". It makes our friends and families laugh to hear us talking to each other because we really use it all the time and we use it both as a term of affection and then when we're irritated with each other, we use it more sarcastically. It works for us! And as far as the baby's nickname, we always thought we'd call him "Baby" as his nickname (given the whole "Husband" and "Wife" theme), but then shortly after he was born Husband was working on a case that involved a t.rout f.arm. We talked about trout all the time because of this, and at the same time, J. was nursing and would make a fish face whenever he wanted to nurse - so it was a natural extension to call him "T.rout".

Bottom line of all this - instead of J. and H., it's now T.rout and Husband. Should be easier for me to keep track of when I'm writing.

2. I really, really like our new playgroup. We switched days, because there were too many "big" kids (i.e., 2 year olds) in the Monday group and I worried too much about them running into T.rout and hitting him, etc. (which happened almost every playgroup). We go on Thursdays now, and it's a calmer group, with parents that actually keep an eye on their kids during the playtime. T.rout loves it - especially when I let him sit at the table with all the big kids and practice drinking out of a regular cup.

3. A professor I had in college, who I really admired, is sick with cancer and recently was moved into hospice care. They've given her 2 weeks to 2 months. She is an amazing woman, who effortlessly (or so it seemed) was able to balance her life as a mother, wife, friend, and professor with grace and beauty. She provided such an image of what it means to be a faithful Christian in all these roles, and did so with such encouragement and love for everyone that came in contact with her. She has three young kids; I can't imagine what this must be like for them and for her. And it's hard to imagine why it would be her time to leave this physical world - she has touched so many lives (it's amazing to read all the tributes that have been posted to her on her CaringBridge site) and I can't understand why she wouldn't be given the opportunity to continue to do so. But as one of my friends, who also knew her, said about the situation "I still trust God even when I don't understand Him, but please, Lord, help my unbelief." It is hard to know she will be gone soon, but she will be healed and we will see her again.

4. We leave tomorrow for a trip this weekend to L.ittle R.ock for one of my college friend's wedding and for my college reunion - we actually aren't really going to any of the reunion events, because most of it is on Saturday, which is when the wedding will be, but we are going to go up to campus Sunday afternoon to eat lunch and walk around. They've done a lot of new construction, so I'm excited to see what it looks like. And I'm really excited to see my college friends - only a few of them have seen T.rout since he was born, so it will be fun to have them meet him. And a few of them are pregnant with their first kids, so I can't wait to see them pregnant! I also love going back to LR as I get to eat at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants!

5. My car is in the shop for repairs (and I'm hoping it will be done today so I can get it cleaned before we leave town tomorrow) and I have a rental - a big, silver Dodge Caravan. I don't think I'm the minivan type. I feel silly driving it; like I'm playing "dress-up" and pretending to be a mom. Oh well. At least it's only (hopefully) for a few more hours and then I get my Jeep back!

Notice anything different?

Many thanks to Splat Designs for the new look! I'm really happy with how it turned out, and Lindsay was really easy to work with and did a great job taking my thoughts and putting life into them!

I need to update my blogroll links, so hopefully will get to that soon.

Updates

Just a quick note to let you know that I've updated my list of blogs on the right - a few of the ones I've added are ones that I started reading after they commented on my Ultimate Blog Party post or I found them through the Ultimate Blog Party "Mr. Linky". One of my favorites of these is "A Time Such as This" - go check it out when you get a minute!

I still haven't gotten to all the blogs that commented on my post, and I definitely have not made it through the "Mr. Linky" list, but I'm working on it!

Ultimate Blog Party

Ever since I was a kid, I've loved parties! My most memorable parties include my fourth-grade rollerskating birthday party when I fell and broke my arm and missed most of the party, my wedding reception, my dad's 40th surprise birthday party (mainly because I got to drive his car that day so that he was stuck at work and wouldn't arrive home too early - as a recent 16-year old, having the car for the day was better than my 16th birthday party!), my 20th birthday in college when my parents drove down and surprised my entire soccer team at our game with ice cream, my 21st birthday in DC, and my wedding showers and baby showers! All of these parties were a great time of being with friends and celebrating. Right now we are planning my son's first birthday and I am so excited about his party!

This week, 5 minutes for mom is hosting the Ultimate Blog Party - it's a great way to find new blogs to read and win prizes. Go check it out, sign the Mr. Linky, and visit a few new blogs!

And if you're visiting my blog through the Ultimate Blog Party, thanks for stopping by! I'm a new blogger and am still working on my blog - a new template, what kind of posts I want to do, and getting into a regular habit of blogging. So this is a work-in-progress, but please take a minute to look around, leave a comment, and then visit back later!

100 Things About Me

I've added a "100 Things About Me" blog. Check it out when you get a minute.

Ultimate Blog Party

I love parties! The Ultimate Blog Party will be held the first week of March, and it's sure to be a good time. More details are available here.

more on Anonymous blogging

Number of times I've now realized I've left my real name in someone's comments, with a link to this blog: 3

Number of other blogs I commented on as part of de-lurking week (I was a huge lurker until I started this blog; I'm going to start to comment more now on others!): about 30

Number of blogs I think I probably left my real name on that I still need to check: about 27

Oh well. I'm assuming that the odds of someone finding me on this blog within the first week is pretty slim, seeing as I've never run across someone I know on all the blogs I've looked at.

So I'm going to just keep on thinking I'm totally anonymous!

Anonymous blogging

Well, I stink at the whole anonymous part of blogging. My first comment (thanks Morgan!) mentioned how hard it was to keep up two blogs - and I'm finding that even after a week, it is a bit much. I keep worrying that I'm going to be logged in with the non-anonymous account and make a post to the wrong blog or something. I also realized that I left a comment on someone's blog earlier this week with my real name but then a link to this blog. And of course, being new to commenting, I have no idea how to remove/edit it. If anyone knows how to edit a comment you left on someone else's blog, please let me know!

But aside from that, I'm really enjoying having this space. I'm going to keep playing with the template and layout a little over the next few days, so if you see something you like/don't like, please let me know!

And since I know pictures of babies are always fun, here's one of my little guy (I'm figuring that if anyone I know ever does end up on this blog, there's enough on it that they'll probably be able to figure out it's me anyway, so seeing J. doesn't matter too much!!: