Tuesday, July 1, 2008

why I'm blogging again

It amazes me that it has been three months since I have last posted. I can't believe how quickly that time went by, and how often I thought of things I wanted to write about, but how little motivation I had to actually sit down and write.

I'm blogging again today because I am horribly sad. Not about anything in particular, and nothing major has happened (fortunately). I can pinpoint some of the things that started leading up to this but it is just the last few days that I've felt stuck because of it. So I'm hoping writing something will help. I can define the sadness - a lot of it is sad feelings of nostalgia, brought on by the move from our first home and then complicated this past week by going to Te.xas and seeing friends and family there. Some of the sadness is just a realization lately that I'm not fully where I need to be with God and my faith, and that part of that is because we lack a good church HOME (we have places that I would call our "house of worship", but nothing that feels like a home and that we feel connected to). Some of the sadness is from my recent realization that I missed a lot of opportunities in the years before I met Husband to truly show what God can do to transform someone and that I won't have the chance to re-do that part of my life (I know that doesn't make any sense; I'm not sure if I want to go into details).

I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to get out of this. Obviously, it would have been ridiculous for us to continue to live in our 2-bedroom house just because I feel sentimental about it. I have been blessed and am grateful for our wonderful new house, which has so many great things about it (huge back yard, main floor laundry, 4 bedrooms, a big master bedroom, walk-in closet, family neighborhood) and will be the place of so many more great memories. Maybe I need to start doing a little more to make some good memories here instead of moping around. Invite friends over, decorate (hard to do with the new mortgage), ?????

I also should stop driving by our old house. It's on one route to my in-laws house, so I've used that as an excuse to go by it, but there are other routes I can take. I think it's just too hard to see it, and it makes J upset to go by it as he doesn't understand why we aren't stopping (and it kills me to hear him crying for "old home" and then saying "no new house!". So no more drive-bys.

Moving back to Texas is not an option, unfortunately. I really am going to have to find a way to like where we live. I can't sit around feeling nostalgic about Texas and living there and the people there. I need to make more friends here. My closest friends - the ones I feel like I can call about anything and talk to about anything - are all out of town. And although phone, email, and occasional visits are wonderful, they aren't the same as having someone close by. I need that kind of friend here. And yes, Husband is my best friend, and a wonderful one at that, but it's not the same as a best-girl friend. I miss that.

more later.

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2 Comments:

  • I'm so happy to see an update from you!!

    I think the fact that you're even thinking about this means that you obviously love God, and that He's probably beginning to work through you in some new way. You're going to be fine! If you need to vent or just want to talk about it, just email me. I've been through similar things myself.

    By Blogger Sugar&Ice, at July 1, 2008 at 4:17 PM  

  • Awww, you sound like you're definitely on the right track. I've been there--totally feel your pain. It's tough. It's so hard to find a church home. We had trouble too, and I still miss our old one very much. It takes time. Do you have a meetup group in your area? (meetup.com) I have met some great people through the mom's group I joined. If there isn't one (or even several) in your area, maybe you could start one?

    I, too, am glad to see a new post! Though I'm sorry it's not happier...

    By Blogger Karen, at July 8, 2008 at 10:57 AM  

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