Part 2

So I'm still sad, but not as sad as last week. I'm not crying every day, which is good, and I've done a few more things that have made me start to feel better. We had friends over for the 4th of July for brunch and then to take the kids to the parade (pictures on fa.cebook and my family blog) - it was nice to do something social and it definitely did help make me appreciate the new house since it is set up so much better for entertaining and has so much more room for company than the old house. We also went to a firewor.ks party, just Husband and I, at the home of one of our old neighbor's fiance. His house is actually walking distance from our new house, and they are tearing down and building on this lot, so she will be our neighbor again in a year! There were a lot of our old neighbors there, so it was fun to see them and hear stories about the people that bought our old house. Apparently they are addicted to concr.ete statues and large plants and the neighbors all think the yard is starting to look tacky! The new people also have been rummaging through everyone's trash and taking things - broken patio umbrell.a, wagon, old dirty planters - that they then display in the yard! I found that so funny - I have nothing against taking things from someone's trash if it is usable, but I would never take something from a neighbor and then display it where everyone, including the person who was throwing it away, could see it.

So the nostalgia is getting a little better. I still really, really miss Te.xas and have wasted some time trying to figure out if there is any way we could move back there. I've also wasted time thinking about all the ways it would be better there. And the only conclusion I've come to is that the only way I would be moving back there would be without Husband, because he's not moving there, so I don't really think that's an option. But, since this is my blog and I can say what I want, I have to admit that part of me considered that for a little bit. Then I realized that I would probably miss him more than I miss Texa.s. I also realized that as much as I am idealizing what my life would be like if I lived in Te.xas, there would still probably be things I didn't like about it and even things that I missed about St.L.ouis!

One thing that I did that has helped make me feel better is writing letters. The real kind, that requires a stamp and pen and paper. I stayed up late one night re-reading letters from college and on that I had saved, and I realized that it's been a really, really long time since I've written or received a letter, unless it was for someone's birthday or some other occasion. No one I know writes letters (well, except my Mom) since email is so accessible and cheap and even calling long-distance is so easy now because of cell phones and free minutes. So I wrote a few letters to friends and mailed them off. I still have a few more that I want to write, so I am going to do that in a minute. There's one letter I really want to write, but it's one that will be hard to write, and I'm working on it. It has to do with a lot of the stuff in my past that I am trying to make sense of, and I don't want to write the letter until I know exactly how to say things.

So that's the nostalgia. It is getting better. I think that I may make another trip to Da.ll.as this fall, before our scheduled Christmas trip. The hard part about going down there is that it is so hard to fit in everyone and everything that I want to see and do. And it doesn't' help that my mom gets upset if I don't spend enough time with her (if she had her way, I'd only hang out with her while I was there and not do anything else!). So it's hard to balance it all. And I hate fighting with my mom when I want to go see someone but she thinks I'm not spending enough time with her and starts getting upset about how she spent so much time getting ready for me to visit and blah, blah, blah and then hits me with a guilt trip and makes me feel bad for leaving to visit someone else for even an hour. So I never leave feeling like I got to see everyone that I wanted to and that even those I did spend time with, it wasn't enough.

So Part 3 will have to focus on the church and God stuff. Or maybe church alone will be part 3, because there's a lot there. And I've been thinking through that also and trying to make some decisions about what I can do to help figure it out. So up next, my search for a church.

why I'm blogging again

It amazes me that it has been three months since I have last posted. I can't believe how quickly that time went by, and how often I thought of things I wanted to write about, but how little motivation I had to actually sit down and write.

I'm blogging again today because I am horribly sad. Not about anything in particular, and nothing major has happened (fortunately). I can pinpoint some of the things that started leading up to this but it is just the last few days that I've felt stuck because of it. So I'm hoping writing something will help. I can define the sadness - a lot of it is sad feelings of nostalgia, brought on by the move from our first home and then complicated this past week by going to Te.xas and seeing friends and family there. Some of the sadness is just a realization lately that I'm not fully where I need to be with God and my faith, and that part of that is because we lack a good church HOME (we have places that I would call our "house of worship", but nothing that feels like a home and that we feel connected to). Some of the sadness is from my recent realization that I missed a lot of opportunities in the years before I met Husband to truly show what God can do to transform someone and that I won't have the chance to re-do that part of my life (I know that doesn't make any sense; I'm not sure if I want to go into details).

I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to get out of this. Obviously, it would have been ridiculous for us to continue to live in our 2-bedroom house just because I feel sentimental about it. I have been blessed and am grateful for our wonderful new house, which has so many great things about it (huge back yard, main floor laundry, 4 bedrooms, a big master bedroom, walk-in closet, family neighborhood) and will be the place of so many more great memories. Maybe I need to start doing a little more to make some good memories here instead of moping around. Invite friends over, decorate (hard to do with the new mortgage), ?????

I also should stop driving by our old house. It's on one route to my in-laws house, so I've used that as an excuse to go by it, but there are other routes I can take. I think it's just too hard to see it, and it makes J upset to go by it as he doesn't understand why we aren't stopping (and it kills me to hear him crying for "old home" and then saying "no new house!". So no more drive-bys.

Moving back to Texas is not an option, unfortunately. I really am going to have to find a way to like where we live. I can't sit around feeling nostalgic about Texas and living there and the people there. I need to make more friends here. My closest friends - the ones I feel like I can call about anything and talk to about anything - are all out of town. And although phone, email, and occasional visits are wonderful, they aren't the same as having someone close by. I need that kind of friend here. And yes, Husband is my best friend, and a wonderful one at that, but it's not the same as a best-girl friend. I miss that.

more later.

A belated Halloween story

Since I had taken a bit of a break from posting over the last few weeks, I never had a chance to write out the story of our Halloween. In general, it was a really fun, pleasant night together as a family, but the ending of the night was strange.

We started out the night by driving J around to trick or treat at Husband's family's houses (3 stops), then came back to our house, loaded J up in the red wagon with some beer for Husband and I, and we trick or treated on our street, then walked over to the neighborhood next to ours and went to some friends' houses over there. It was nice to go on our street - there aren't many kids in our neighborhood, so J was the only trick or treater that came down our street and so our neighbors loved having him come by! We live next to this very affluent, nice neighborhood that is all kids (which is where we went after we did our street), and so everyone stays in that area and any kids that do live in our neighborhood go over to that area to trick or treat also. So it was fun to go to our neighbors because they were so excited to have a trick or treater! He got lots of candy at these houses since no one else had come by, but his favorite house was the grandma who was giving out bags of goldfish! I think that's when he realized that everything he was getting was something good to eat! He was so cute walking up to each house with his bag over one arm and holding his baseball bat in the other (he went as a C.ardinals base.ball player).

So after we hit our street, we walked over to the "nice" neighborhood. We walk our dog and J in that neighborhood all the time and so most of the people there recognize us and seem to think we live over there anyway. We have some friends in the area, so we went by their houses, and then went to the house of one of Husband's work colleagues. We had a beer with them and sat on their porch for a little while looking at all the kids while J ran around in the yard. It made Husband and I wish we lived in this neighborhood - it was so fun to see everyone out trick or treating together in groups and everyone talking - but it's probably 10 years down the road before we can afford something there!

After this house, we went by the house of one of Husband's former work colleagues. A little history here - the guy is a jerk. He's been cheat.ing on his wife with another of Husband's former work colleagues as well as at least one of the secretaries that works at Husband's old job. Husband and some of his current colleagues, who all used to work with this guy, talk a lot about him and what he's doing. They've seen him out with his girlfriend and knew for a long while what was going on - way before his wife found out. And when his wife did find out, we all knew about it and heard the story. And his wife is the nicest, kindest person and they also have a toddler-age son. I see her some when I'm out walking in the neighborhood, and she always stops to talk and is very friendly. So we decided to go by their house to trick or treat, especially since their son is about the age of J.

It turned out to be horribly awkward - she was home by herself, since she recently found out about the affairs and her husband moved out, but she invited us in and we all sat there having an awkward conversation while completely avoiding the obvious fact that her husband wasn't there and it was clear we knew why. She's too classy to say anything about her husband leaving or why he wasn't there, but I never before had so strongly understood what it's like to have "an elephant in the room". I can't even really put into words how sad it was to be in her house, watching her with her young son, and knowing the heartbreak she must be feeling.

Husband and I left and were quiet most of the way home. I kept thinking about how we had spent a lot of time gossiping about this family - Husband would come home from work and tell me how someone at the office at seen the guy out with his girlfriend, or how someone else he works with was talking to another colleague at the old office, and he told them that the guy and his girlfriend had been out of town all week together, or that there were rumors that he'd left home and moved in with his parents because they were getting divorced. It seemed like we were just talking about the plot of some awful primetime show. We'd also joke about this guy and what he was doing, making light of the whole situation.

But the whole time we were walking home, I kept thinking how awful this was for his wife, and how it made it so real to be in her house and just feel the pain in the room. I hated that we had been taking their heartache and making it into something entertaining. I told Husband that although I'm sure all the folks at his office would love to hear the details of our visit to their house - how it was true that the guy wasn't living there, but pictures of him were still in the house, and how his wife just seemed devastated - I didn't think he should say a word about it to anyone. He agreed. We haven't talked about this family or the guy since then, and I think that Husband has stopped participating in the talk at the office about this guy.

So that was our Halloween - I've though about it a lot since then, and I hope I remember next time that someone else's heartache should never be entertainment.

Give a little.

I can't post today without commenting on the events going on at Virginia Tech. The pain and grief being felt by these students, the families of those who were killed, and the community there is immeasurable. I can't even begin to imagine what this must be like for them. Having a child changes how you feel about these events. That is someone - 33 someone's - child who was killed. And in many situations, it was someone's parent, leaving behind children who now must figure out how to cope with a grief that many adults wouldn't even know how to handle.

I also want to mention to you someone that has been on my heart and in my prayers recently - Heather. Please visit her and read her story. And if you are so inclined, BooMama is hosting a love offering for Heather today to support her and her family.

And finally, I mentioned a few posts ago about a professor that I had who was in the final stages of cancer. She passed away on Sunday - we rejoice that she is fully healed, but our human hearts hurt for her family and for the loss of an truly amazing woman.

Please, for each of them, please pray.

all kinds of things

There's a lot going on right now, as we're trying to head out of town tomorrow, so I'm just going to make this a random post of everything that's on my mind right now:

1. I decided that I'm switching around what I use to refer to my husband and baby because I keep slipping and find myself writing out their real names - instead of J. for the baby, I'm going to start using his actual nickname "T.rout", and for my husband, I'm also going to use his actual nickname, which is "Husband". Real original, I know. But this really is what my nickname for him is - and he refers to me as "Wife". This started when we got engaged, and we were so excited about being engaged and getting married that we referred to each other as "Fiance" all the time. So obviously when we got married, we couldn't use that nickname anymore, so it evolved into "Husband" and "Wife". It makes our friends and families laugh to hear us talking to each other because we really use it all the time and we use it both as a term of affection and then when we're irritated with each other, we use it more sarcastically. It works for us! And as far as the baby's nickname, we always thought we'd call him "Baby" as his nickname (given the whole "Husband" and "Wife" theme), but then shortly after he was born Husband was working on a case that involved a t.rout f.arm. We talked about trout all the time because of this, and at the same time, J. was nursing and would make a fish face whenever he wanted to nurse - so it was a natural extension to call him "T.rout".

Bottom line of all this - instead of J. and H., it's now T.rout and Husband. Should be easier for me to keep track of when I'm writing.

2. I really, really like our new playgroup. We switched days, because there were too many "big" kids (i.e., 2 year olds) in the Monday group and I worried too much about them running into T.rout and hitting him, etc. (which happened almost every playgroup). We go on Thursdays now, and it's a calmer group, with parents that actually keep an eye on their kids during the playtime. T.rout loves it - especially when I let him sit at the table with all the big kids and practice drinking out of a regular cup.

3. A professor I had in college, who I really admired, is sick with cancer and recently was moved into hospice care. They've given her 2 weeks to 2 months. She is an amazing woman, who effortlessly (or so it seemed) was able to balance her life as a mother, wife, friend, and professor with grace and beauty. She provided such an image of what it means to be a faithful Christian in all these roles, and did so with such encouragement and love for everyone that came in contact with her. She has three young kids; I can't imagine what this must be like for them and for her. And it's hard to imagine why it would be her time to leave this physical world - she has touched so many lives (it's amazing to read all the tributes that have been posted to her on her CaringBridge site) and I can't understand why she wouldn't be given the opportunity to continue to do so. But as one of my friends, who also knew her, said about the situation "I still trust God even when I don't understand Him, but please, Lord, help my unbelief." It is hard to know she will be gone soon, but she will be healed and we will see her again.

4. We leave tomorrow for a trip this weekend to L.ittle R.ock for one of my college friend's wedding and for my college reunion - we actually aren't really going to any of the reunion events, because most of it is on Saturday, which is when the wedding will be, but we are going to go up to campus Sunday afternoon to eat lunch and walk around. They've done a lot of new construction, so I'm excited to see what it looks like. And I'm really excited to see my college friends - only a few of them have seen T.rout since he was born, so it will be fun to have them meet him. And a few of them are pregnant with their first kids, so I can't wait to see them pregnant! I also love going back to LR as I get to eat at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants!

5. My car is in the shop for repairs (and I'm hoping it will be done today so I can get it cleaned before we leave town tomorrow) and I have a rental - a big, silver Dodge Caravan. I don't think I'm the minivan type. I feel silly driving it; like I'm playing "dress-up" and pretending to be a mom. Oh well. At least it's only (hopefully) for a few more hours and then I get my Jeep back!