Tuesday, January 9, 2007

the ex

I realized that one of the best parts of having this blog is I can use it to safely complain about my husband's ex-girlfriend. He's tired of hearing about it, my friends are tired of hearing about it (although, bless them, they act like they aren't), my mom is tired of hearing about it, and, unfortunatley, since she's still very much present in my life, I'm not tired of talking about it.

Here's the background (warning: this is long.) My husband (H.) and I met; I was dating someone else but went ahead and went out on a few dates with H. while I was dating this other guy (I was indecisive). After a few mishaps on these dates with H., I decided that I'd just stick with the guy I was already dating and not mess with H. because I didn't see much in him that I thought would make a long-term relationship and I was at a point where I didn't want to waste my time (given that I'd been wasting my time for the past 8 years with random guys, I should have realized by now that I had no idea what I wanted). Fast forward a few weeks - "other guy" and I break up, I'm feeling depressed about not dating and decide to call H. for a pick-me-up. We talk, get together for lunch, talk some more, and finally meet for another real date in the city where he's now, in the interm, moved to permanently, about 2 hours from me. We go out on a few dates and I start to realize that maybe this is someone I should think twice about (although I'd had a lot to drink on our dates and also thought for a while that it was the alcohol talking). We both realize this, things progress to a very serious relationship.

A few months later (and we'd started talking marriage at this point), H.'s best friend, "Politics" comes along with H. on a weekend visit to my town. During this visit, Politics asks H. if he would be okay with him taking H's college ex-girlfriend to his upcoming office party. She and Politics know each other through H., so it's a bit odd that they have been in contact. H. says no big deal, he and I discuss this for a while at length - I ask all the typical questions one asks about an ex (did you sleep with her? Yes. when did you last sleep with her? In college. Was she the first person you ever slept with? Yes. Did you love her? Not really. When did you last talk with her? In college. Am I better than her? Oh yes, of course. and then, just out of curiousity: When was the last time you slept with anyone? Months before we met) and we move on. Story over.

If only I was so lucky. Another few months pass and I'm at home with my family for the holidays in the Great State of Texas (GST). H. and I are talking about what we're doing for the evening, and he mentions that he's going out to meet Politics who wants everyone to meet his new girlfriend, who happens to be H's ex-girlfriend. Apparently the office party went well and in spite of the fact that the ex lives out of town (hours away), they are now an item. H. admits that when he said it was ok for Politics to take her to the office party, he didn't think they'd start dating and this is a little awkward. I admit that I'd like to have her shipped off to Nova Scotia without a coat and Politics sent to an insane asylum for dating her.

At this point, my female intuition alarm goes off. I don't know what it was about the conversation or what H. was saying, but I could tell he was feeling really awkward; more awkward than he should. So I asked him again when was the last time he saw the ex-girlfriend. His answer?

A few months ago.

Now, I realize I haven't done a great job with the timeline of all these events, but to quickly fill you in without adding detailed diagrams to this post, "a few months ago" places things smack in the middle of when we were in the early stages of dating.

(Ok, I just stopped writing a bit to go up and get a beer. The baby is asleep and won't need my boobs until 6 am, and I always can face this part of the story a little better with alcohol. You might be able to understand me better if you have a beer also. I'll wait.).

H. then proceeds to ask me if I remember the weddings he went to, two weekends in a row, right before we started seriously dating, right after we got back in touch after our initial dates, but about a week before we went out on our first serious date (does that make sense? re-read paragraph two if it doesn't). I say yes, and start to feel sick. He then admits that ex went with him to these weddings. I ask if he kissed her. Yes. I ask if he slept with her then. Yes. I hang up the phone.

Now, you might be wondering why I was so upset if we weren't really dating at the time and if I was dating someone else (yes, and sleeping with him) when I first met H. and went out with him a few times. The big difference? H. knew I was dating someone else; he even knew I was sleeping with him. I never kept that from him and was honest about it from the start. He, on the otherhand, had purposefully lied to me. See paragraph 3.

This was probably the biggest challenge we had in our dating relationship. I won't go into all the details about what happended after this, but there were alot of tears, alot of yelling, and a lot of talking. And we worked things out and it was ok. I still felt sick whenever I though of her, and he still felt like crap for lying to me about it, but we were ok.

And then Politics kept dating her. and dating her. and dating her. Fortuantely, I didn't have to meet her until after H. and I were engaged, and I was civil to her. She was a bitch. So the next time I was around her, I was a bitch. And then Politics got mad at H. because of things I said to ex. But who really cared what he thought? He broke the biggest rule out there in the dating world: DON'T DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S EX. There's a reason why this is a rule.

Politics was the best man in our wedding. The wedding invitation was addressed only to him. Bitchy of me? Maybe, but they weren't engaged and Emily Post said you don't have to invite dates, only fiances/wives. Emily probably would have said I should have invited her, given that everyone else was invited with a date and this guy was the best man, but I'm sure Emily never had the prospect of having her husband's ex-whore at her wedding.

They got engaged a week after our wedding. Guess who was the best man in their wedding? Yep, H.

Fun, fun, fun. Here's a picture of the dollar bill I posted at the bar (they had them all over the ceilings and walls) we went to after their rehearsal dinner (the blacked out portion are their real names). I know this was really immature of me, but it felt good.


Things got a little better - for some reason, it was easier once they were married. I realized that there wasn't much I could do about it now. It also was easier once we got pregnant; I think I realized that there was so much more important things to think about than hating her. Ex and I also had the chance to talk about her dating H. (I was drunk; always a good time to have these kind of conversations), and I made sure she knew that H. didn't cheat on me with her (I would have hated her thinking this) and that what bothered me so much about her was that she reminded me of one of the worse things about H. and his lying to me.

So now I'm very civil to her - anyone who doesn't know might think we're friends. I manage now to keep all bitchy comments to myself, although every time I'm around her, I have plenty that come to mind. I still can't believe my husband's best friend is married to her.

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3 Comments:

  • Wow... that's quite a story! I'm so glad that my husband doesn't have any real baggage. How ackward for all of you that he actually married her!

    By Blogger Liz, at January 10, 2007 at 4:44 PM  

  • Liz - I'm so impressed you read this post! I thought it would be too long and no one would read it. It is really wierd to have her so present in our lives!

    By Blogger Midwest Texan, at January 11, 2007 at 9:07 PM  

  • This is one of those things that if it happened to me I'd probably want to forget it but would never be able to. I'm glad you forgave your husband since all he really did wrong was lie to you. It sounds like other than that he's a pretty stand up guy. My husband never lied to me about it, but his ex-girlfriend is married to his one of his friends, so I have to deal with a slightly similar situation. Talk about awkward.

    By Blogger Chas, at January 13, 2007 at 9:26 AM  

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